The Cereal List / Mother-approved!

If Maria Callas, Halle Berry, and M.I.A. had a child together, we’re fairly certain that it would come out looking and sounding pretty much like Danielle de Niese. (We’d also pay a pretty penny to see that sex tape, but that’s neither here nor there.) Though she’s firmly entrenched in the world of diva-dom now and probably too hot for us to Handel (oh, I am so sorry, what the hell is wrong with me?), we hold on to the hope that her Australian heritage would not preclude her from grabbing a cold beer with us one day. Hey, you gotta have dreams.

I’ve just listened to “Mohair Time Warp,” and decided that William Brittelle must be the most stunningly versatile lover anyone could wish for. Brittelle is the writer and composer of this epic and erratic piece for singer and chamber ensemble. He also performs it, lip-syncing the vocal part.

Speaking of lips in sync, I shall anticipate a ravishing evening of wild shifts from Punk to Emo. First I’ll succumb to a red-hot thrashing, then I’ll satisfy Brittelle’s insatiable desire for consolation and reassurance. Yes, Mr. Brittelle, you can shower me with your stream of consciousness anytime you want.

Oh, Canada, thank you for giving us Lara St. John. We love that she leaves a little to our imagination unlike some other less ladylike string players.

Sometimes I fantasize that Theo Bleckmann is singing just for me. Because I am a firm believer in making fantasies come true, I am currently negotiating to book Bleckmann for an evening of twenty consecutive private performances of his arrangement of Cole Porter’s “True Love.” I shall be his audience of one. The bells and whistles are part of his package, but I hope he also brings along some grown-up toys.

Lucia Ahn tickles the ivories as a member of the sultry Ahn Trio but we wish she’d spend some time tickling us. Hotter than a gochu, we frequently find ourselves daydreaming about how her Korean heritage would spice up our life; not to mention our food. In fact, she warms us up so much we’d even be willing to look past the huge jar of kim-chi she’d have stinking up our fridge. Now if that’s not true love, we don’t know what is.

The principal clarinetist with the Metropolitan Opera, Anthony McGill, probably hasn’t had a dry reed since he performed at President Obama’s inauguration ceremony.  An experienced and versatile clarinetist, he knows you have to wet both sides for the best vibrations. There’s a rumor that McGill is extremely vocal in the bedroom, though you have to wonder if he might be faking it.

Hmm… it seems he has recently started a blog on his website.  Let’s go there and leave some comments encouraging him to share his most intimate secrets.

Guys, how many times have you opened the door to your apartment and wished you’d had this sight waiting for you? I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t mind going Dutch every night, especially if it was Janine Jansen. And what sweetens the pot for us even more is that her beauty, like her playing (and her dress), is elegant, transparent, and low cut (well, that’s just her dress, but whatever).

But, hey, apparently it’s not just me who’s been taken with the visual and sonic pleasures of Ms. Jansen. Rumor has it that her recording of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons has recently become a major hit in Poland, inspiring an aptly abridged tribute album by sultry Polish adult super model and pop singer Ewa Sonnet (NSFW).

That is one lucky flute. There’s no sexier combination than a gentle kiss and a slight whisker-burn. The tie loosened, the shirt unbuttoned, the incorporation of mirrors! The mind reels with possibilities! Pahud has a wife and two sons, but, hey, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s monogamous. His French/Swiss heritage guarantees that he is passionate and diplomatic, the two most important qualities for an open marriage.

Though concert attendance may be down, Ukranian opera singer-cum-pop princess Oksana Grivorieva is certainly doing her part to grow the classical music audience. Plus, now that it’s been confirmed that she’s pregnant with Mel Gibson’s baby and straddling both the oprea and celebrity worlds, we feel she is in a unique position to bring classical music to a larger audience. And while our heart aches when we think about her having Braveheart’s baby and not ours, it’s a beautiful heartache. Besides, Mel Gibson knows what women want.

Editor’s note: Every Wednesday The Cereal List flaunts the sexiest men and women in classical music. And being that I am a gentleman of considerable class, I wanted to make sure we let the ladies go first.