The cover of the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra’s 2009-2010 season brochure suggests that the orchestra, whose musicians recently agreed to a whopping 12.5 percent pay cut, will try just about anything to fill the empty seats that litter Meyerhoff Symphony Hall.

While at first appearing to be merely an unfortunate PR photo, The Cereal List has learned that Maestra Alsop and the BSO plan to replace pre-concert talks and between-piece banter with acts of ritual sacrifice and sadomasochism. This bold move is aimed at attracting Baltimore’s vibrant goth and S&M communities to classical music concerts. In fact, each concert will be followed by a special after-party at Baltimore’s infamous Club Orpheus. Use the password “Monteverdi” for V.I.P. access. If things get too rough, the safe word is “Offenbach.”

Rumor has it that the orchestra plans to announce a new subscription series featuring Benjamin Britten’s A Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra, among other works. The Cereal List expects an official announcement once the orchestra decides whether Marv Albert, Eliot Spitzer, or Bill O’Reilly will narrate the work.