Editorial Note: Read our 
It’s no secret that contemporary music is outside the lexicon of most music critics at the New York Times. Critics are very busy, and they simply do not have time to evaluate a piece of music with which they are not familiar. That’s why it’s up to composers to generate a pre-written paragraph and send it to the critic assigned to review their performances.
Fortunately, The Cereal List has created the Automatic Review Generation Helper (ARGH)! All you have to do is fill in the forms below and click the “Create Review” button.
Haha wow this came out better than I’d hoped: “Born in Perdition, the 30 year old composer, Bomb Diggety, writes music infused with both deprived innocence and depraved weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the adversarial intensity of hir style, but the self-satisfied listener will appreciate the music’s oriental subtelty. Indeed, Diggety’s music has evolved immensely over the course of hir 35-year career, ensuring hir place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Bez.”
“Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the intense intensity of his style.” [applause]
Here’s mine:
Born in McAllen, TX, the 31 year old composer, Corey Dargel, writes music infused with both misleading innocence and belligerent weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the sheepish intensity of his style, but the literate listener will appreciate the music’s empathetic subtelty. Indeed, Dargel’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his 16-year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Grofé.
Wow, it sort of makes sense. I notice “weariness” is the word du jour.
Born in Vermont, the sixty year old composer, Mary Jane Leach, writes music infused with both curious innocence and sensitive weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the close intensity of her style, but the receptive listener will appreciate the music’s transcending subtelty. Indeed, Leach’s music has evolved immensely over the course of her forty-year career, ensuring her place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Monteverdi.
Born in Sofia, the 29-year-old composer Bobo Van Bobolo writes music infused with both impoverished innocence and dramatic weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the physical intensity of his style, but the frothing listener will appreciate the music’s Nietzschean subtlety. Indeed, Van Bobolo’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his 27-year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Reicha.
Born in The Valley, LA, the 31 year old composer, Jane Airplane, writes music infused with both repressed innocence and manic weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the “almost-but-not-quite” intensity of her style, but the wasted listener will appreciate the music’s cathartic subtelty. Indeed, Airplane’s music has evolved immensely over the course of her 13-year career, ensuring her place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Tori Amos.
Born in Broons Sur Vilaine, the 28 year old composer, 2 Goldfish, writes music infused with both fucked up innocence and assexual weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the innapropriate intensity of his style, but the mouth breathing listener will appreciate the music’s stupid subtelty. Indeed, Le Merrer’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his three fourth of a -year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and René des Musclés.
Born in Chatenay-Malabry, the 23 year old composer, Laureline , writes music infused with both fun innocence and stylish weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the colourful intensity of her style, but the lively listener will appreciate the music’s indescribable subtelty. Indeed, ’s music has evolved immensely over the course of her 20-year career, ensuring her place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Mini Moni.
Born in Prague, the 47.2575 year old composer, Savage Lance, writes music infused with both lonely innocence and very lonely weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the non-existent intensity of his style, but the dead listener will appreciate the music’s Schopenhauer-like pessimistic subtelty. Indeed, Lance’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his 46-year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Tette Mbuttu Mangele III.
Born in Guelph, the 30 year old composer, Miss Mussel, writes music infused with both mischevious innocence and insouciant weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the wink-wink-nudge-nudge intensity of her style, but the pretentious listener will appreciate the music’s wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am subtlety. Indeed, Mussel’s music has evolved immensely over the course of her 1-year career, ensuring her place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and John Williams.
[...] is trying to be classical music’s Onion/Perez Hilton, comes up with their best post yet: The Automated Review Generator. Another in the genre is Jeremy Denk’s Concert Review Mad Lib. All Miss Mussel has to say is: [...]
“Born in Orlando, the 22 year old composer, Kyle Werner, writes music infused with both happy innocence and focused weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the collaborative intensity of his style, but the receptive listener will appreciate the music’s imaginative subtelty. Indeed, Werner’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his 6-year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and John Adams.”
“Born in Charlottesville, Virginia, the 33 year old composer, Erik Spangler, writes music infused with both granola innocence and domesticated hipster weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the posse-building intensity of his style, but the stoned listener will appreciate the music’s hybrid subtelty. Indeed, Spangler’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his 17-year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Louis Andriessen.”
Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the warm intensity of his style, but the lucid listener will appreciate the music’s beauty subtelty.
Born in Bombay, the 21 year old composer, Andrew Correa, writes music infused with both aspiring innocence and passionate weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the detached intensity of his style, but the global listener will appreciate the music’s free subtelty. Indeed, Correa’s music has evolved immensely over the course of his seven-year career, ensuring his place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Grieg.
Born in tibet, the 95 year old composer, Pancreatic Bilehead, writes music infused with both blind innocence and stupid weariness. Some audiences are not quite sure what to make of the dirty intensity of her style, but the masturbating listener will appreciate the music’s enslaving subtelty. Indeed, Bilehead’s music has evolved immensely over the course of her 1-year career, ensuring her place in the lineage of great composers like Bach, Beethoven, and Liberace.